A Grieving Heart

How do I even begin to write what has transpired in my family and the loss we feel? Losing my husband, best friend, soul mate, love of my life and father of our children so unexpectedly hurts my heart and soul with a feeling of a light going out I can't ever get back. I don't know how to navigate all of this and I hurt nonstop. I miss him every second of every moment of each day. I wake-up and he is not here, I move through the day and he is not here and I go to bed at night without my kiss goodnight and "I love you." Then, begin it all again. It is hard sometimes to just breathe.

I can feel God working so hard to comfort me and the kids. I can see  Him move within Tristan and Mia. It breaks my heart to see my children hurt and miss their daddy so much. We cry and hold each other. We talk about Daddy every day and how much he loves us, how we love him and how he is the best Daddy in the whole world. We share memories, even little Mia shares how "Daddy gives me strawberries" and "Daddy gives me a bath." I grow sad when she says, "I just miss my daddy" but I hug her tight and tell her how much Daddy loves her and is always in her heart. Tristan is sad, but he works hard to stay strong and says, "Daddy is always with me because he is always in my heart." I just see the sadness and like me I can tell he feels as though a light has gone out. I pray so much for their little hearts to be protected and for God to comfort them. I don't know how those who do not have the Lord make it through such heartache and hurt. God is holding me and carries me throughout each day and I know He does for our babies, too.

I miss Dewight so much! It's the little things I probably miss the most....calling during the day to discuss what to thaw out for supper, the hello kisses, the days he would say "Have I told you I love you today?!" And then he would answer with an "I love you" and a kiss. I was so loved by my husband and we felt so blessed for an amazing family and for each other. Our marriage had grown so strong! We worked hard at our marriage and fell in love with each other more and more every day. We left nothing unspoken. It is how we worked through all conflicts that made such a difference in our marriage. We also really began to make time for one another. Many of you know how hard it is with young children to take time for each other or to spend the extra money for a baby sitter when you are still having to buy diapers! But this year we really did! We went on so many dates, trips with just each other (canoe trip, weekend at the beach, weekend at the lake, date nights, concerts, out-of-town parties). I am so thankful we took that time and God blessed us with those times. We really had fun just the two of us. It didn't matter what we were doing we just had a good time laughing and talking and singing! And we still loved each other so much. I would look at him and still get butterflies in my stomach. And a kiss still sent chills down my spine. A look from one another told it all. I would look in his eyes and I could see the love. He loved me and I loved him. He was protective of me and our children. He was big on respect and did not allow anyone to disrespect me. I was thankful for that. Even in our parenting, he expected our children to respect us and did it in a firm but gentle way. He had that about him, strong and firm but also tender and loving. It was an amazing balance. We would not always agree about parenting but we waited to discuss it out of ear shot of the children b/c it was so important to us to support each other and be on the same page. Dewight was on a journey to become a Godly man, father and husband. He desired to be the best he could for us. He made a commitment to Christ last spring and he changed. It was amazing to see his heart and desire to be the man God planned for him to be. He was an amazing man. He wold walk into a room and you knew he was there...he just had this presence about him. A best friend of his said, "ya'll didn't just make friends, you made lifelong friends." I think that was because of who he was. If he liked you you knew it from the moment you met him. Dewight was larger than life! We often said Tristan's personality was larger than life, too.I could not ask for more than Dewight. We just fit each other and balanced each other. We would joke about being married too long b/c we knew what the other was thinking before it was said or be thinking the same thing at the same time. We moved truly together. Our souls and hearts were truly connected. So many people go through life without a love like that, but I got to have it even if I didn't get to have him on the earth with us for as long as I wanted it to be. I got to love like that. And I will see him again and be with him for eternity.

And what an incredible Daddy, Dewight is! He loves his children so much and it showed every day in his life.  There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't tell his children he loved them. He played, wrestled and cared for them. He was a part of their lives and not just a bystander. He was just talking the other day about wanting to step-up and coach one of Tristan's teams. He had been helping out but now he was ready to take an even more active part. It is hard b/c I know I won't be able to do the things he did with them. There is something different about Daddy. He just is a presence in his children's life that can't ever be replaced. He loved to take Tristan out driving in the truck! Tristan was just talking about that last night. The kids and I now pile up in the truck to feel closer to him. It helps somehow. Tristan and I talk about memories and I am so glad he remembers so much! I want them to remember him and what an incredible Daddy he was. It is so hard watching your children hurt and not being able to take it away from them. But I promised Dewight that I would raise them the way we planned! We were so proud of them and would talk in the evenings after family prayer time (we prayed every night together as a family and I am so glad we did b/c that will be with the kids forever) and tucking into bed about how amazing they were. How Tristan was so smart and had such an insight we couldn't even describe and how Mia was so funny and already so smart, too. Dewight loved watching Mia. He got such a kick out of her. When she was born He changed. He softened and turned a little mushy the first time he laid eyes on his baby girl. He always called her "baby girl." He was bound and determined she would never date! When we would talk about it someday he would say, "Stop, I'm getting mad." He was not going to allow some boy to take his baby girl out on a date! He would sit with Mia and listen to music, put her on his shoulders and take her swimming. He did so much with both of them...like I said a minute ago, not a bystander he was a part of it all. We had so many great times as a family this year, too. We went on our family beach vacation, a weekend at the lake, creek time, weddings and just time chilling at the house and the pool! We were good just spending time as a family. The weekends are hard now b/c that was our family time. Dewight was quick to tear-up just watching his children b/c of the love he had for them. When they hurt he hurt. He was there to protect them and teach them. Such a proud Daddy of his family.

The outpouring of love, prayers and support have been so amazing during this time from cards, to letters, to meals, phone calls, texts, girl time and gifts of love. Someone wrote and said allow those to minister to you. I have really taken that to heart b/c I don't know what I need, but God has been sending people to meet those needs I didn't know I had. He is providing it for me. This is a verse a dear Man of God sent to me and it has resonated with me. So, I am going to share it with you.
    
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  II Cor. 1:3,4