Happy Anniversary Dewight

As I sit here on the eve before our Anniversary I think about not only our wedding day, but also those 9 years of marriage...full of love, our precious children, blessings, adventures, hard times, contentment, struggles, happiness, tears of joy and tears of hurt, understanding, compassion, smiles and laughter. There was a lot of laughter and so many smiles. As I look through so many pictures we are smiling and laughing and it truly represented our lives together. I smile at those times I had forgotten and tears flow because I wish so much we were together celebrating. We always bought a couple of steaks and you grilled, of course. You always grilled a steak better than I could order at a restaurant.  I remember our first anniversary....I was pregnant with Tristan and we exchanged our gifts (you a play station 2 and me a new camera-digital)! We ate our steaks and up and decided to go to Auburn for the first home game and tailgate with our friends. So up we packed and headed to Auburn! We would so up and go whenever we felt the need...I loved how we could be so spontaneous. This is a piece of what I wrote on that first card, " I love you so much and each day it grows. I have told Tristan already, countless times how much I love his daddy and couldn't imagine my life without him. I think he kicks at those times in agreement:) You are my life and I love sharing my life with you. I love that we are together and perfect for one another. I truly believe you are my soul mate and look forward to the rest of our life together. You make me smile with your laugh and the person you are. You truly are my best friend and I love coming home to you and waking up next to you. Happy Anniversary! I love you, Amy"  Here is a little of what you wrote on a card to me on our anniversary, " You're my best friend, wife, lover and the one woman I can't wait to spend forever with. I love you, Happy Anniversary. Love, Dewight"  I love reading them and so happy I still have them....something to always treasure and share with our babies as they grow older.

I read our wedding ceremony tonight and the tears came rolling, but I am so glad my mom is a little OCD and typed it all up and made us keep it! We kept to those vows. I was at a wedding not too long ago and as they said their vows it was all I could do not bawl my eyes out especially when they said "til death do us part." And yet, I am so blessed you kept your vows.....I love that when I read them I know how much we loved each other and how hard we worked because our marriage was worth it, our vows we said before God and our family and friends, we committed. Our wedding day wasn't about the wedding, it was about the marriage. Here are the vows you said to me, " I, Dewight Tatum, take you, Amy Skipper, to be my wife to have and to hold from this day forward. I promise to commit to His teachings from above, to be loyal and true, to remember the days of our youth and the teachings of our parents...to take care of you in sickness and health, to remain true to our vows and love you forever...As God as my witness, I want you to be my wedded wife. I pray you will join me in my prayer...to love and cherish you til death do us part." And our rings being a promise to show the world we are married and committed only one to another....I still wear my rings. My heart is still with you and my love for you is eternal...it never ends. It is forever. I gave you my heart and you treated it with loving hands and a gentle touch. As it was said at our wedding, you are a strong man but gentle with me emotionally. I remember how you looked at me and I saw in your eyes how much you loved me, especially on the day we wed. God knew what we needed in one another and He blessed us with each other. We balanced each other. We worked in unison even when we didn't always agree.  

We had many versus read at our wedding. One as I read again tonight reminded me of how God knew our lives separately and our lives together, "For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes unformed my body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be." Psalm 139:13-16 
Even though there is not a day that goes by that I don't wish you were here with me and our family or even for just a little longer, I know without a shadow of a doubt that God has us in His hands. And as much as it hurts and as much as it seems I can't cry anymore, I feel you and know Jesus walks beside me everyday, God continually breathes for me and I know they pick me up when my legs falter and my heart hurts so much I feel like I can't make it another moment without you.

 

I look at where our lives took us. I see how we were at an amazing peak. So much behind us, so much in our present and so much before us. But we lived in the now and were amazed at our family. I think about how we wanted our family and how much we loved each other and Tristan and Mia. So, I continue to get up every morning and allow God to go before me for, "Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is thy faithfulness." Lamentations 3:22-23

And I find joy in our children and see you in them everyday...I smile because you are a part of them. I tell them how much we love each other and how we wanted this family. They talk about you, they remember you, they love you so much, miss you so much and teach me so much about knowing you are right here with us...Always and Forever....you are in our hearts. So I cling to those memories, our love, your touch, your kiss, our children. The life God blessed us with.

Happy Anniversary Dewight, my groom, my life, my love 

With All My Heart, your bride

Dewight, A Letter to my love

March 2014

Dewight,

This is a letter to you. I often write on this blog as something our kids will have as they grow older. This time though I want to write to you. I need to tell you all the things I have been feeling and experiencing. Because you are my person. You are the one I always talk to. There are so many times I want to call you or text you or stand out in the garage with you and tell you all the things that are going on or news I have heard! You and I had our thing that only we understood when we talked to one another. We got each other. And God has been meeting our needs as a family in ways I never knew I needed or more than I knew.

I read the book Grace for the Widow and it helped so much. It took me longer to read than a book normally would...you know how quickly I read:) It took a long time because it touched on so many of the things I have been going though and my emotions are so raw. She, too didn't know what to buy the first time back to the grocery store. Mia and I went to the store for the first time in 2 1/2 months to actually shop and I didn't know what to do. I had to walk past the potatoes and onions....it felt weird not to buy any. I like potatoes but you are the one who cooked them in every way possible. I loved eating what you cooked, but no longer are potatoes and onions a staple in the house. I found myself looking to see if shrimp was on sale but no longer will I buy it as a special treat for you. The experience again hurt in so many ways. The author, Joyce Rogers, also talked about not knowing who you are anymore. I had been feeling that for the last few weeks. Who am I without you? We were one. We truly followed God's Word, "....And the two flesh shall become one." How do I know who I am when you are not with me. I went through half of the toilet paper roll by the bed each time I read the book...don't worry its not on your side. I cried so many tears and hurt so much but I needed to read and know even more I am not alone. I know I am not, but life without you feels so empty. Our babies fill me up and God is my spiritual husband and my protector. You know how you used to leave for a trip or go in late night to work and I felt a little afraid without you watching over our house? God has taken that fear....He goes before me and will protect our home and our family.

We had another "first" this past week. We had our first trip to the beach without you. It was so hard on all of us; Tristan, especially. We did have a good time with hard moments. I know God was with us because He helped with the hurt and helped us all to enjoy the beauty at the beach and the fun in the sand. Mia had so much fun running on the beach and making sand castles! I know you enjoyed watching her and seeing how much she has grown since our last beach trip as a family! And Tristan relaxed and played and tested out the coldness of the water. I didn't know I needed the trip as much as I did. I didn't realize how hard it is walking in our closet everyday and seeing your clothes and I can still hear you asking me if your outfit matches. I miss you so much! God blessed me with you in my dreams. In the first dream of you this week we kissed and it was one of those kisses that you have to have more than just one. I felt it from my head to my toes.... and then you gave me that smile that is only for me; a husband to his wife. I woke up crying because it felt so real. But you weren't there next to me. Even though it made me happy to feel you in my dream, I was also sad and I spent most of the trip home crying; I needed it all at the same time. To feel you like I did is something I treasure and am so thankful God answers my needs in my dreams. The next night I dreamed of you again. This time I took you into our closet and talked to you about how much I miss you. I showed you how I walk to your side of the closet and breathe in your scent to feel closer to you. I do that so many times and I find myself saying, "there you are" as I stand there among your clothes.

This weekend we went to the lake house. We both loved going there and I am so thankful Ali asked us to go. Remember when Tristan was little and we took him for the first time? He loved being on a boat for the first time! We had such a good time. We went and just relaxed. There is something so peaceful there, especially on the deck looking down at the water. Last night I got to dream about you again. The first dream was a bad dream and I woke myself up. I know Satan loves to try and creep in and he is just not going to. So, I went back to sleep and there you were....you said to me, "I love you and I am always with you." I so needed to hear your voice. I needed to know you are near. It also reminded me that God LOVES me and is ALWAYS with me. He IS taking care of me. Even though I know this I think He reveals Himself to us in ways we need so much in that moment. I felt so comforted even though it still makes me cry because I want you. I want my husband. I want our children to have you. But you are with us and I have to keep telling myself so that I continue to feel it and keep our children feeling it, too.

Tristan wants to dream of you so much, too. We have prayed that when God is ready to have him dream of you he will. He misses his guy time with you. He misses wrestling and playing ball. He said to me the other day, "Mommy, you know why I want to go to my friend's houses? It's because I miss Daddy and we would wrestle and play. So, I want to go to my friend's so I can do that." It about broke my heart....I can't be a daddy to him. But you would be so proud of our friends. They have stepped up and stepped in. The dads play ball with Tristan and catch and whatever else he wants to do. They do this to honor you because they know the one thing you would want is for them to take care your wife and children. Dewight, we have amazing friends who do that. They are there for us and it has not wavered even as time goes by. We are so blessed to have our friends who are family. We really did create this amazing community. You helped so many people in so many ways. I listen to a voice mail you left me last year and you were visiting with "old man Don" and stayed to cut his grass. You said if I can't reach you then you are probably already mowing. I love the message because that is so you! And you tell me you love me. It is the only recording I think I have of your voice telling me that. I love it so much...just to hear you. I am still so amazed sometimes how much you love me. I know how much I love you, but to think of how you truly loved me with no holds bar makes me stand in awe. To be loved that much...how did I get so lucky? I look at your pictures and I just stare at your smile and I can hear your laugh. Right now as I write this letter I can picture you standing over me wiping away my "alligator tears" You didn't like to see me cry:) Oh, baby...I miss you so much. It doesn't get easier. In a lot of ways it gets harder. I tell Tristan it is okay to cry and hurt because it just means we love Daddy that much. And we do, we love you more than anything in this world. You are my best friend in the world and I love knowing I am yours. Someday, my love I will get to be with our Heavenly Father and spend eternity with you. The waiting is the hard part without you. I find so much joy in our children though while I wait. We hold tight to each other, Dewight. I know you are smiling because of our babies. I tell Tristan and Mia how you and I wanted our family and prayed for them. We wanted them and were so happy when they were born. I tell them how you cried even at the thought of them and were so proud!

A lot of times the days feel like that movie "Ground Hog Day" because it feels like I go through the same day over and over again...in this case it is because it is without you." I get why God gave Eve to Adam. He gives us someone to move through life together because it is not good to be alone. He gives us our "person." You are so my person. I love you my amazing husband. Always and Forever...my love

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalm 9:9-10

A Piece of My Heart

Over the last few weeks, the absence of Dewight has been hitting harder and harder. Valentine's Day was the first of another reality. It's not because Valentine's Day is something we celebrated per se, but we celebrated our relationship. 10 years ago on a Valentine's Day we just hung out. It started by Dewight calling me early that morning as I was on my way home from working the early shift at Robert Trent Jones Golf Course. We wound up spending the day together. While we were watching movies and snuggled up on the couch, he said to me, "You know we are probably going to wind up together, don't you?" to which I replied, "yeah, probably." We ended that night eating Krystal's on the coffee table by candle light! One year later he was proposing to me on Valentine's Weekend. It was early one morning again and he came to the house while I was still in my pj's! He did it then, not because it was Valentine's, but because the year before we knew where our relationship was headed. He proposed with a speech planned out, but it didn't come out the way he had imagined in his mind....."Your gift is in three parts; I am one part and you are another part and (holding up the ring) this is the part that is going to bring us together.Will you marry me?" I of course said "yes" after a moment of shock had worn off! I had no idea he was going to propose, especially while I was in pajamas, a pony tail and make-up I am sure left on from the night before. Last Valentine's Day we took a half day off just to spend time together. We met for lunch and spent the day riding around and going to different places before we had to pick up the kids. We loved spending time together and I am so glad even after having kids and busy jobs we still made time for each other. How lucky am I that I had a husband who would do that?! He made me feel pretty darn special! He treated me with respect and expected others to do the same. That is a husband who followed what God teaches us about marriage.

This Valentine's Day was another day without him and our special time carved out celebrating how we finally made that decision to be committed to each other. While we were driving that Valentine's weekend he looked up and saw the full moon. He said, "Daddy loved the full moon and would show it to me." and I responded, " Yes, he would bring us out to show us because Maw Maw Cat always loved a full moon. He must be sending us one tonight to let us know he loves us and thinking of us." The kids and I spent the evening with girlfriends making a board of pictures for the upcoming benefit. While it was good to see the pictures, my heart was aching. Seeing our life in pictures showed me even more that I didn't just imagine this amazing life we had built together but it truly existed. As Mia looked at the pictures, she got so excited to see her daddy. She shouted, "there's my daddy" and "that's my daddy!" I need to take a page from her book and get so excited when I see his picture that I shout "there's my husband!"

Last week our wonderful friends put together an incredible celebration and benefit. The whole night was amazing! It was incredible to see so many of our friends gathered in one place. The night was hard,too though. I felt so anxious. I guess because it is just an event we would be at together laughing, talking and making our rounds! No matter what event we were at or if we were talking to different people, we always knew where the other one was. That night was a celebration. It was full of laughter and it was full of joy. I know we also all felt that sadness to not see him among us smiling his amazing smile and laughing his infectious laugh. The tears were ones of love for a person who was greatly loved by so many people. It was good for me to see once again so many people who loved my husband and the father of our children. There is comfort in that and I am so grateful for being able to experience that.

Since that night, my heart has hurt so much. I think part of it is another reality...us not sharing in that moment together. I keep feeling his absence and it takes so much for me not to break down every second. I continually pray for God's comfort because I simply cannot do it on my own. It has to be the Lord. There is no other way. When the kids and I pray at night I ask specifically for what each of us may need. I want Tristan and Mia to know they can ask anything of the Lord and tell him anything. It is so important to go to Him; He is the one who can comfort us and help us get through each day by relying on Him. I know I am human and therefore so weak without Christ's strength. I feel so empty sometimes like a piece of my heart went with Dewight. I guess even if it did, it is in a safe place; there is no place safer than heaven. I look at a picture or close my eyes and see his face and feel like he should be here. We are supposed to do all of this together. And my heart just aches; I feel a pain that I cannot even describe. I see pictures of myself now and the sparkle is gone from my eyes even if there is a smile on my face. It shows me too that God has our lives in His hands. I always felt I was walking in God's plan and I know Dewight and I were walking in it together. We loved each other so much and knowing we were not perfect wanted to walk with the Lord and teach our children to do the same. I guess I never imagined this would be a part of my life, this loss.

 Even when I feel his absence the most I am able to see Dewight each and everyday in our children. I get to see a piece of him and our love in them. I see how Tristan will become a good man because I already see the values Dewight instilled in him....I am sure he did this on their "man talks" while driving in the truck. Dewight would come back and tell me they talked, but not specifics...he would say "I got it covered." Tristan just amazes me and I know God has incredible plans for him. He was so sweet yesterday comforting Mia. Mia has been missing Daddy this week a lot and gets sad. She told Tristan as we were riding home she missed Daddy "so much" and Tristan hugged her and said "he is always in our hearts." They have always been close even with their age difference and to see them come together even more shows me Dewight and I were doing something right!

It's the small things, too. Last week as Mia was having an "almost 3 y/o moment" I realized I have to go through the 3's without Dewight! Tristan barely made it through 3! Dewight and I had to work hard at that age! As he used to say, "3 year olds are just professional 2 year olds!" I think about how we would just dance even at the top of the driveway. Dewight would put on you tube and play a song and there we would be dancing...Tristan would come out and ask what we were doing and Dewight would answer "Dancing, Son." We didn't care if our neighbors thought we were crazy...we loved it. We used to dance at weddings, in the kitchen, anywhere. He always had a way of dancing with me that was the same...I knew what was coming. And his smile while we danced...nothing like it. I also love Dewight loved life and enjoyed it and we enjoyed it together. I hear an 80's song on the radio and I think about how Dewight would play that game in the car when we were driving just the two of us...the one where he would turn and say "Who sang this song" and I would have to answer within seconds! Most of ya'll won't get that one, just something we did! I would tell him I can't think that fast and of course he already knew the answer! There were times I would like to note that I got them right and he didn't...he would be very impressed! I miss the nights and how he would come to bed a half hour to hour later, crawl in and snuggle up. We didn't snuggle for long because we are hot natured, but those moments with arms wrapped and you settle in spooning...wives you know what I am talking about. Somehow you just fit perfectly together. You breathe in sync. I miss those arms wrapped when you feel safe, protected and loved......

Even though I don't know how to navigate all of this, I do know without a doubt God is with me and He is with my children.
                          "What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us.......For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." Romans 8:31; 38-39

I love you, Dewight

A Grieving Heart

How do I even begin to write what has transpired in my family and the loss we feel? Losing my husband, best friend, soul mate, love of my life and father of our children so unexpectedly hurts my heart and soul with a feeling of a light going out I can't ever get back. I don't know how to navigate all of this and I hurt nonstop. I miss him every second of every moment of each day. I wake-up and he is not here, I move through the day and he is not here and I go to bed at night without my kiss goodnight and "I love you." Then, begin it all again. It is hard sometimes to just breathe.

I can feel God working so hard to comfort me and the kids. I can see  Him move within Tristan and Mia. It breaks my heart to see my children hurt and miss their daddy so much. We cry and hold each other. We talk about Daddy every day and how much he loves us, how we love him and how he is the best Daddy in the whole world. We share memories, even little Mia shares how "Daddy gives me strawberries" and "Daddy gives me a bath." I grow sad when she says, "I just miss my daddy" but I hug her tight and tell her how much Daddy loves her and is always in her heart. Tristan is sad, but he works hard to stay strong and says, "Daddy is always with me because he is always in my heart." I just see the sadness and like me I can tell he feels as though a light has gone out. I pray so much for their little hearts to be protected and for God to comfort them. I don't know how those who do not have the Lord make it through such heartache and hurt. God is holding me and carries me throughout each day and I know He does for our babies, too.

I miss Dewight so much! It's the little things I probably miss the most....calling during the day to discuss what to thaw out for supper, the hello kisses, the days he would say "Have I told you I love you today?!" And then he would answer with an "I love you" and a kiss. I was so loved by my husband and we felt so blessed for an amazing family and for each other. Our marriage had grown so strong! We worked hard at our marriage and fell in love with each other more and more every day. We left nothing unspoken. It is how we worked through all conflicts that made such a difference in our marriage. We also really began to make time for one another. Many of you know how hard it is with young children to take time for each other or to spend the extra money for a baby sitter when you are still having to buy diapers! But this year we really did! We went on so many dates, trips with just each other (canoe trip, weekend at the beach, weekend at the lake, date nights, concerts, out-of-town parties). I am so thankful we took that time and God blessed us with those times. We really had fun just the two of us. It didn't matter what we were doing we just had a good time laughing and talking and singing! And we still loved each other so much. I would look at him and still get butterflies in my stomach. And a kiss still sent chills down my spine. A look from one another told it all. I would look in his eyes and I could see the love. He loved me and I loved him. He was protective of me and our children. He was big on respect and did not allow anyone to disrespect me. I was thankful for that. Even in our parenting, he expected our children to respect us and did it in a firm but gentle way. He had that about him, strong and firm but also tender and loving. It was an amazing balance. We would not always agree about parenting but we waited to discuss it out of ear shot of the children b/c it was so important to us to support each other and be on the same page. Dewight was on a journey to become a Godly man, father and husband. He desired to be the best he could for us. He made a commitment to Christ last spring and he changed. It was amazing to see his heart and desire to be the man God planned for him to be. He was an amazing man. He wold walk into a room and you knew he was there...he just had this presence about him. A best friend of his said, "ya'll didn't just make friends, you made lifelong friends." I think that was because of who he was. If he liked you you knew it from the moment you met him. Dewight was larger than life! We often said Tristan's personality was larger than life, too.I could not ask for more than Dewight. We just fit each other and balanced each other. We would joke about being married too long b/c we knew what the other was thinking before it was said or be thinking the same thing at the same time. We moved truly together. Our souls and hearts were truly connected. So many people go through life without a love like that, but I got to have it even if I didn't get to have him on the earth with us for as long as I wanted it to be. I got to love like that. And I will see him again and be with him for eternity.

And what an incredible Daddy, Dewight is! He loves his children so much and it showed every day in his life.  There wasn't a day that went by that he didn't tell his children he loved them. He played, wrestled and cared for them. He was a part of their lives and not just a bystander. He was just talking the other day about wanting to step-up and coach one of Tristan's teams. He had been helping out but now he was ready to take an even more active part. It is hard b/c I know I won't be able to do the things he did with them. There is something different about Daddy. He just is a presence in his children's life that can't ever be replaced. He loved to take Tristan out driving in the truck! Tristan was just talking about that last night. The kids and I now pile up in the truck to feel closer to him. It helps somehow. Tristan and I talk about memories and I am so glad he remembers so much! I want them to remember him and what an incredible Daddy he was. It is so hard watching your children hurt and not being able to take it away from them. But I promised Dewight that I would raise them the way we planned! We were so proud of them and would talk in the evenings after family prayer time (we prayed every night together as a family and I am so glad we did b/c that will be with the kids forever) and tucking into bed about how amazing they were. How Tristan was so smart and had such an insight we couldn't even describe and how Mia was so funny and already so smart, too. Dewight loved watching Mia. He got such a kick out of her. When she was born He changed. He softened and turned a little mushy the first time he laid eyes on his baby girl. He always called her "baby girl." He was bound and determined she would never date! When we would talk about it someday he would say, "Stop, I'm getting mad." He was not going to allow some boy to take his baby girl out on a date! He would sit with Mia and listen to music, put her on his shoulders and take her swimming. He did so much with both of them...like I said a minute ago, not a bystander he was a part of it all. We had so many great times as a family this year, too. We went on our family beach vacation, a weekend at the lake, creek time, weddings and just time chilling at the house and the pool! We were good just spending time as a family. The weekends are hard now b/c that was our family time. Dewight was quick to tear-up just watching his children b/c of the love he had for them. When they hurt he hurt. He was there to protect them and teach them. Such a proud Daddy of his family.

The outpouring of love, prayers and support have been so amazing during this time from cards, to letters, to meals, phone calls, texts, girl time and gifts of love. Someone wrote and said allow those to minister to you. I have really taken that to heart b/c I don't know what I need, but God has been sending people to meet those needs I didn't know I had. He is providing it for me. This is a verse a dear Man of God sent to me and it has resonated with me. So, I am going to share it with you.
    
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.”  II Cor. 1:3,4