A Decade of Marriage

As I look back at the dates on the posts, the last time I published on this blog was this date. I have sat down to write one other time within last nine months and that was at the one year anniversary I lost Dewight. I just couldn't finish. It was too hard. I guess there is something about our anniversary I need to write and share a part of our love story. Many people ask how I make it through. I have to give the glory to God; through the strength of our Lord, Jesus Christ and God our Father. "A father to the fatherless, a defender of widows, is God in His Holy dwelling." Psalm 68:5 Truly, a person can not do this on their own. You can choose to turn from God or choose to turn toward Him. I have chosen to RUN to Him. Many times people wonder why bad things happen to good people. We know why. Adam chose Sin. God gave Adam and Eve a Heaven on Earth so to speak, a paradise and they chose sin. So, we have this in our world. But the hope is as a believer and follower of Christ we will be with our Father in Heaven someday, a place where there is no pain or suffering or weeping, and with our loved ones who also chose to follow Him. That doesn't mean I always agree with the things that are allowed here on earth. I so do not agree with Dewight being in Heaven already. I want him to be here with me, with our children and to be a family. It hurts so much here without him. And no, it doesn't get easier or better. Life is just different. Our lives are forever changed. But God has taught me what it means to be truly broken before Him; to fall at His feet. "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God you will not despise." Psalm 51: 17

The first year I spent most of my time in the Word reading Psalm. Psalm is a book that will help to comfort you, give you hope and teach you to fully trust. "The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name will trust in you, for you, Lord, have never forsaken those who seek you." Psalms 10: 9-10 I was so blessed to be a part of an amazing Bible study. I felt the Holy Spirit lead me to this one in particular and the women wanted to deepen their relationship with Christ and were a huge support to me during some of the hardest moments. Through the books we read and the scripture taught, my relationship deepened; not just grew, but deepened. I found I needed to trust God enough to DEPEND on Him. I know that is hard for me to do sometimes. I want to fix things or make it better. And you find that you can't. Some of the hardest moments are when your children are crying so hard because they miss their daddy so much. And you wish you could fix it, but you can't because you can't bring him back. So, you hold each other tight and pray. Only God can give us the comfort we need. As God brought me through the first year, I read so much of the New Testament and many passages in the Old. There is hope in the New Testament and so many lessons to be learned from the Old. God gave us Jesus Christ, because He loved us. And even though these are scriptures I have read my whole life, I began to look and see them and feel them in a new way. I do look at life differently. I can't describe it, it just is.

Tomorrow it will be 10 Years since we got married. A decade. This one was to be the big one for us! As I look back, how amazing it is to know this was an anniversary we were looking forward to....Dewight wanted to still be married to me and we planned for this year. This year was to be a trip for just the two of us, preferably a tropical getaway. I think back to how much he loved me. It amazes me that someone could love me that much, even when sometimes I made him so mad! And I loved him that much. I love how I was always just me and could always be myself. Dewight did not put on a front for me either, who he was was who he was. I think when you can be you all the time with that person and they love you anyway....you have something the way God intended. Marriage is giving of yourself. It is putting God first so that you can put your spouse before yourself. I have said before, you work hard for your marriage. Dewight and I would joke about the time before we got married, the hard times and moments of finding our way to each other and how if we can make it through that then we can make it through anything. Before we got married he said he was only doing this once...

I think it is important to be on the same page and to share the same values. To be open and honest with one another. There really wasn't anything we didn't share because we were best friends. We would rather be with each other than anybody else. I miss all the laughter, all the smiles, all the stories, all the football games, all the food we cooked together, watching him play with Tristan and Mia, the date nights, the lunch dates, the meet at home for lunches, standing outside looking at the moon or shooting stars, dancing in the driveway or at weddings or any other occasion, sitting on the porch, riding in the truck, dirt roads, watching him put the kids to bed, praying with them, getting up and going to church as a family, the talks, the tears, the hurts, the fights, the making up, the phone calls, the texts, the kisses, the hugs, the way he looked at me, the way he loved me.

I wish so much he was here. To me he is supposed to be here, with his family to watch them grow. He would be so proud of Tristan and Mia. I can just see his face when Tristan tells me he got into Enrichment or Mia twirling on her toes in her ballet shoes. I can see him smile and laugh at watching Tristan and Mia play in the pool. I can see his chest puff out showing he is proud of Tristan learning to play golf and Mia learning to swim. I can see his tears as Mia tells him she loves him and Tristan saying the Lord's Prayer from memory. I love that Tristan and Mia love their daddy and talk about him and wish he was here, too.

So, tomorrow I will celebrate our love. I will celebrate the life we chose. I will celebrate the family we made. I will celebrate his life. I will remember our wedding, I will laugh and smile at us dancing to Prince as our wedding song. I will smile and laugh at the memory of our friends at the wedding sweating because it was so HOT, because our bridesmaid passed out, because the ring bearer got hungry and the groomsmen brought him strawberries during the ceremony, because my mom couldn't get the lighter to start to light the candle, because the groomsmen were drenched in sweat and Dewight didn't think to choose something other than tuxes! I will smile and cry as I remember our kiss and the butterflies flying through us as we stood saying our vows. I will smile and cry because I know God blessed our marriage. I will cry because I miss him so much. I will cry because I LOVE him SO much. I will continue to wear my rings because I cannot bear to take them off. I can't because my heart longs for him. I am his Wife and he is my Husband.

I will trust in God and allow Him to comfort me because, " Ah, Sovereign Lord, you have made the heavens and the earth by your great power and outstretched arm. NOTHING is too hard for you." Jeremiah 32:17