This Valentine's Day was another day without him and our special time carved out celebrating how we finally made that decision to be committed to each other. While we were driving that Valentine's weekend he looked up and saw the full moon. He said, "Daddy loved the full moon and would show it to me." and I responded, " Yes, he would bring us out to show us because Maw Maw Cat always loved a full moon. He must be sending us one tonight to let us know he loves us and thinking of us." The kids and I spent the evening with girlfriends making a board of pictures for the upcoming benefit. While it was good to see the pictures, my heart was aching. Seeing our life in pictures showed me even more that I didn't just imagine this amazing life we had built together but it truly existed. As Mia looked at the pictures, she got so excited to see her daddy. She shouted, "there's my daddy" and "that's my daddy!" I need to take a page from her book and get so excited when I see his picture that I shout "there's my husband!"
Last week our wonderful friends put together an incredible celebration and benefit. The whole night was amazing! It was incredible to see so many of our friends gathered in one place. The night was hard,too though. I felt so anxious. I guess because it is just an event we would be at together laughing, talking and making our rounds! No matter what event we were at or if we were talking to different people, we always knew where the other one was. That night was a celebration. It was full of laughter and it was full of joy. I know we also all felt that sadness to not see him among us smiling his amazing smile and laughing his infectious laugh. The tears were ones of love for a person who was greatly loved by so many people. It was good for me to see once again so many people who loved my husband and the father of our children. There is comfort in that and I am so grateful for being able to experience that.
Since that night, my heart has hurt so much. I think part of it is another reality...us not sharing in that moment together. I keep feeling his absence and it takes so much for me not to break down every second. I continually pray for God's comfort because I simply cannot do it on my own. It has to be the Lord. There is no other way. When the kids and I pray at night I ask specifically for what each of us may need. I want Tristan and Mia to know they can ask anything of the Lord and tell him anything. It is so important to go to Him; He is the one who can comfort us and help us get through each day by relying on Him. I know I am human and therefore so weak without Christ's strength. I feel so empty sometimes like a piece of my heart went with Dewight. I guess even if it did, it is in a safe place; there is no place safer than heaven. I look at a picture or close my eyes and see his face and feel like he should be here. We are supposed to do all of this together. And my heart just aches; I feel a pain that I cannot even describe. I see pictures of myself now and the sparkle is gone from my eyes even if there is a smile on my face. It shows me too that God has our lives in His hands. I always felt I was walking in God's plan and I know Dewight and I were walking in it together. We loved each other so much and knowing we were not perfect wanted to walk with the Lord and teach our children to do the same. I guess I never imagined this would be a part of my life, this loss.
Even when I feel his absence the most I am able to see Dewight each and everyday in our children. I get to see a piece of him and our love in them. I see how Tristan will become a good man because I already see the values Dewight instilled in him....I am sure he did this on their "man talks" while driving in the truck. Dewight would come back and tell me they talked, but not specifics...he would say "I got it covered." Tristan just amazes me and I know God has incredible plans for him. He was so sweet yesterday comforting Mia. Mia has been missing Daddy this week a lot and gets sad. She told Tristan as we were riding home she missed Daddy "so much" and Tristan hugged her and said "he is always in our hearts." They have always been close even with their age difference and to see them come together even more shows me Dewight and I were doing something right!
It's the small things, too. Last week as Mia was having an "almost 3 y/o moment" I realized I have to go through the 3's without Dewight! Tristan barely made it through 3! Dewight and I had to work hard at that age! As he used to say, "3 year olds are just professional 2 year olds!" I think about how we would just dance even at the top of the driveway. Dewight would put on you tube and play a song and there we would be dancing...Tristan would come out and ask what we were doing and Dewight would answer "Dancing, Son." We didn't care if our neighbors thought we were crazy...we loved it. We used to dance at weddings, in the kitchen, anywhere. He always had a way of dancing with me that was the same...I knew what was coming. And his smile while we danced...nothing like it. I also love Dewight loved life and enjoyed it and we enjoyed it together. I hear an 80's song on the radio and I think about how Dewight would play that game in the car when we were driving just the two of us...the one where he would turn and say "Who sang this song" and I would have to answer within seconds! Most of ya'll won't get that one, just something we did! I would tell him I can't think that fast and of course he already knew the answer! There were times I would like to note that I got them right and he didn't...he would be very impressed! I miss the nights and how he would come to bed a half hour to hour later, crawl in and snuggle up. We didn't snuggle for long because we are hot natured, but those moments with arms wrapped and you settle in spooning...wives you know what I am talking about. Somehow you just fit perfectly together. You breathe in sync. I miss those arms wrapped when you feel safe, protected and loved......
Even though I don't know how to navigate all of this, I do know without a doubt God is with me and He is with my children.
"What then shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us.......For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus, our Lord." Romans 8:31; 38-39
