Dewight,
This is a letter to you. I often write on this blog as something our kids will have as they grow older. This time though I want to write to you. I need to tell you all the things I have been feeling and experiencing. Because you are my person. You are the one I always talk to. There are so many times I want to call you or text you or stand out in the garage with you and tell you all the things that are going on or news I have heard! You and I had our thing that only we understood when we talked to one another. We got each other. And God has been meeting our needs as a family in ways I never knew I needed or more than I knew.
I read the book Grace for the Widow and it helped so much. It took me longer to read than a book normally would...you know how quickly I read:) It took a long time because it touched on so many of the things I have been going though and my emotions are so raw. She, too didn't know what to buy the first time back to the grocery store. Mia and I went to the store for the first time in 2 1/2 months to actually shop and I didn't know what to do. I had to walk past the potatoes and onions....it felt weird not to buy any. I like potatoes but you are the one who cooked them in every way possible. I loved eating what you cooked, but no longer are potatoes and onions a staple in the house. I found myself looking to see if shrimp was on sale but no longer will I buy it as a special treat for you. The experience again hurt in so many ways. The author, Joyce Rogers, also talked about not knowing who you are anymore. I had been feeling that for the last few weeks. Who am I without you? We were one. We truly followed God's Word, "....And the two flesh shall become one." How do I know who I am when you are not with me. I went through half of the toilet paper roll by the bed each time I read the book...don't worry its not on your side. I cried so many tears and hurt so much but I needed to read and know even more I am not alone. I know I am not, but life without you feels so empty. Our babies fill me up and God is my spiritual husband and my protector. You know how you used to leave for a trip or go in late night to work and I felt a little afraid without you watching over our house? God has taken that fear....He goes before me and will protect our home and our family.
We had another "first" this past week. We had our first trip to the beach without you. It was so hard on all of us; Tristan, especially. We did have a good time with hard moments. I know God was with us because He helped with the hurt and helped us all to enjoy the beauty at the beach and the fun in the sand. Mia had so much fun running on the beach and making sand castles! I know you enjoyed watching her and seeing how much she has grown since our last beach trip as a family! And Tristan relaxed and played and tested out the coldness of the water. I didn't know I needed the trip as much as I did. I didn't realize how hard it is walking in our closet everyday and seeing your clothes and I can still hear you asking me if your outfit matches. I miss you so much! God blessed me with you in my dreams. In the first dream of you this week we kissed and it was one of those kisses that you have to have more than just one. I felt it from my head to my toes.... and then you gave me that smile that is only for me; a husband to his wife. I woke up crying because it felt so real. But you weren't there next to me. Even though it made me happy to feel you in my dream, I was also sad and I spent most of the trip home crying; I needed it all at the same time. To feel you like I did is something I treasure and am so thankful God answers my needs in my dreams. The next night I dreamed of you again. This time I took you into our closet and talked to you about how much I miss you. I showed you how I walk to your side of the closet and breathe in your scent to feel closer to you. I do that so many times and I find myself saying, "there you are" as I stand there among your clothes.
This weekend we went to the lake house. We both loved going there and I am so thankful Ali asked us to go. Remember when Tristan was little and we took him for the first time? He loved being on a boat for the first time! We had such a good time. We went and just relaxed. There is something so peaceful there, especially on the deck looking down at the water. Last night I got to dream about you again. The first dream was a bad dream and I woke myself up. I know Satan loves to try and creep in and he is just not going to. So, I went back to sleep and there you were....you said to me, "I love you and I am always with you." I so needed to hear your voice. I needed to know you are near. It also reminded me that God LOVES me and is ALWAYS with me. He IS taking care of me. Even though I know this I think He reveals Himself to us in ways we need so much in that moment. I felt so comforted even though it still makes me cry because I want you. I want my husband. I want our children to have you. But you are with us and I have to keep telling myself so that I continue to feel it and keep our children feeling it, too.
Tristan wants to dream of you so much, too. We have prayed that when God is ready to have him dream of you he will. He misses his guy time with you. He misses wrestling and playing ball. He said to me the other day, "Mommy, you know why I want to go to my friend's houses? It's because I miss Daddy and we would wrestle and play. So, I want to go to my friend's so I can do that." It about broke my heart....I can't be a daddy to him. But you would be so proud of our friends. They have stepped up and stepped in. The dads play ball with Tristan and catch and whatever else he wants to do. They do this to honor you because they know the one thing you would want is for them to take care your wife and children. Dewight, we have amazing friends who do that. They are there for us and it has not wavered even as time goes by. We are so blessed to have our friends who are family. We really did create this amazing community. You helped so many people in so many ways. I listen to a voice mail you left me last year and you were visiting with "old man Don" and stayed to cut his grass. You said if I can't reach you then you are probably already mowing. I love the message because that is so you! And you tell me you love me. It is the only recording I think I have of your voice telling me that. I love it so much...just to hear you. I am still so amazed sometimes how much you love me. I know how much I love you, but to think of how you truly loved me with no holds bar makes me stand in awe. To be loved that much...how did I get so lucky? I look at your pictures and I just stare at your smile and I can hear your laugh. Right now as I write this letter I can picture you standing over me wiping away my "alligator tears" You didn't like to see me cry:) Oh, baby...I miss you so much. It doesn't get easier. In a lot of ways it gets harder. I tell Tristan it is okay to cry and hurt because it just means we love Daddy that much. And we do, we love you more than anything in this world. You are my best friend in the world and I love knowing I am yours. Someday, my love I will get to be with our Heavenly Father and spend eternity with you. The waiting is the hard part without you. I find so much joy in our children though while I wait. We hold tight to each other, Dewight. I know you are smiling because of our babies. I tell Tristan and Mia how you and I wanted our family and prayed for them. We wanted them and were so happy when they were born. I tell them how you cried even at the thought of them and were so proud!
A lot of times the days feel like that movie "Ground Hog Day" because it feels like I go through the same day over and over again...in this case it is because it is without you." I get why God gave Eve to Adam. He gives us someone to move through life together because it is not good to be alone. He gives us our "person." You are so my person. I love you my amazing husband. Always and Forever...my love
